My life right now.

So things were looking pretty good as far as my BPD goes for most of the summer, and most of September. About a month ago however, things took a violent turn for the worse.

Being a 5th year senior... Most of my friends graduated last spring.. Cole and Bethany, being the main ones. Ya I've got "friends" the kind that you might talk to in class some and might even be facebook friends with. But, I don't have real friends in this town anymore. No one to talk to about life. No one to just hang out with when I'm feeling lonely.

Hello depression, loneliness, sadness.

The feelings of loneliness really started to kick in a few weeks ago. I realized that I hadn't hung out with anyone since getting back to Bozeman, except Cole when he was here. Now everywhere I look, everywhere I go, everything I do... I do alone, I feel alone, I am alone.

What else did the end of September bring? Midterms. And Midterms=STRESS. Through Sept I had been doing a fairly good job of staying up on everything, but now having to add in studying for exams and stressing over exams to the equation... Things got a little out of control in the stress department.



So come the end of September... where was I sitting? I was stressed out as hell from school. I was alone, except for my 409 mile, each way, trips to see Cole. Cole back at home, Bethany in Utah, family in Oregon (and Cali), and me here. All alone. The middle of September, we added Equine Therapy to the mix, which is outside of town, so its 2+ hours of my time for each session. Oh, and I had a roommate who turned out to be a total irresponsible, unsanitary, lazy, incompetent douche. Just adding more stress to my life.

What happened? Things started to get bad. Had a bad episode, including my parents calling the Sheriff on me for threatening my life. Cole was able to come out here to try to help get me calmed down. Kind of helped, but not really. The Saturday he was here, we'd been watching the Cats game at Buffalo Wild Wings, then came home at half time. I walked in the door to see the dishes still not done. The disgusting mess and mold that was accumulating in MY kitchen. I lost it. I'd written numberous notes about him needing to clean up after himself. Even telling me he could pay me to do it for him, I had texted him, etc. I couldn't handle walking into that mess. Cole was trying to keep me calm as best he could. But I was screaming for help. Getting violent and was not with it at all. At some point, I even got pissed and went screaming across the house trying to get him to do his dishes, and at some point throwing a plate into the floor, shattering it. His door was locked when I tried to go in, so I tried to hit it in like you can on my bedroom door. Didn't work. Left a couple fist marks in the door. Sometime before this, he'd called the cops. So they show up and it just ends up being more drama. Things would have been fine as they were. As they always had been. He won't admit to calling the cops, but things have been way worse around here and no one has called, except my parents, since they're stuck in Or and can't help. Thankfully no charges were filed or anything and the cops convinced them to leave for the night. The little immature BOY had the guts to call my dad and break the contract with him for the room he's renting.

I'm sorry, but you shouldn't use peoples disabilities against them. He knew I had this problem. But apparently he is chicken shit and went crying for the cops when I got into an episode.

So, after this, my main therapist was extremely unhappy with me. Telling me when I saw her next after that episode, that she wants me to go in-patient. I fought and fought and fought to not go. Eventually, she let me just sign a contract saying if I get suicidal or the cops are called on me again, I have to go. I think it was the next week where we established levels of "episodes" where I couldn't go past a certain point. That wasn't very high.

The last few weeks have been a complete and total rollercoaster. Smaller level episodes here and there. All based off a combination of stress and feeling alone.

Cole doesn't text me. I go into a tail spin.

The house is a mess. I go into a tail spin.

My school work isn't done. I go into a tail spin.

You see the pattern.

Last Thursday was a rough night. I was tired and stressed, and felt all alone. Cole was PISSED at me for saying "I need you, Cole" and completely yelled at me on the phone for it. Setting me into a tail spin. I was yelling and screaming and punching my bed, and all the normal "episode" characteristics. Then I came the the realization that the bad roommate was here. Grabbed my dogs, got in my car and left. I didn't know where I was going. I just drove. Ended up lost, confused, and really tired. Almost hit some unknown critter standing the the road. Still have no idea what it was. Finally figured out where I was at, and headed back towards town, almost t-boning a person a few moments later. I was talking to my mama on the phone for a lot of this. And flipped out even worse when this guy went to turn in front of me then stopped when he realized it wasn't an entrance. I was crying, it was dark and wet. I barely missed hitting him. I realized I shouldn't be driving then. But kept driving until I found a parking lot, that wasn't busy, where I could sit until things calmed down. That process took a while. Finally was able to (or mom.. .not sure) convince Cole to call me and talk to me for a few minutes so I could settle down. That was all I needed... him to talk to me.

Saturday night and Sunday morning also had episodes. Caused by being tired and stressed, and feeling very lonely.

My therapist wasn't really happy with all of that when I saw her yesterday. But she agrees that I'm just right on that line, so she is going to keep helping me try to get better. My assignment for this week is to create my own Treatment Plan. To come up with the things that I think will work to help me get better. Things for Body, Mind and Spirit. I'm in the process of getting all of this figured out, and hope to post about it once I have at least a rough draft of it ready.

I'm also seeing yet another therapist now (that's three if you've lost count). My main therapist referred me to him, they work in the same office and can take a "tag team" approach to my care. She does the general therapy, since she isn't trained in BPD, and he works with the BPD part.

The BPD therapist described my BPD as a monster. And it all kind of clicked. The monster feeds off of the stress, the alone feelings, the abandonment when I'm not getting the attention I desire, the bad roommate, the everything negative in my life. The monster grows when things start to "set me off" and takes over my body, until I can shrink it back down.

Sunday morning, I literally felt the monster taking over my body. It started deep inside me and just swept out. One of the weirdest things I have ever experienced. I am becoming more aware of what is going on with my body, my mind, my environment. What the BPD therapist first had me start working on. He gets emails now and then about my new level of awareness discovering things within my self. Today, I emailed him about how I know my negative emotions get dwelled on and some little negative thing in my life will skyrocket out of proportion and suddenly be HUGE in my mind. Today, it was not having homework done. I realized that there was no way I was going to get it done, got really upset with my self. Drug Cole and Dad into it. The whole nine yards. But what I realized is... my positive emotions are just kind of there. Don't really play much part in anything. Yea, they'll make me happy for a bit, but I don't dwell on them. They're just kind of there. As soon as a negative thought comes on, the positive emotions are gone, and the negative begins to quickly take over and grow. So, I am hoping that when I go see him here in a bit, we will be able to begin addressing that. How to make my positive emotions take over the way my negative ones do now. But, I don't know if there will be time for that, given the rough weekend.

Last night, I had a "mini-sode" I started to get really upset (Cole was going to a bar without texting service, so I wouldn't be able to text him all night. Was okay with him going to the bar.. this is a new okayness... but I just wanted him to go where he could text me). I called my mom and actually listened for once to take my anxiety pill. And together (mom and pill) they were able to get me calmed down to go back to working on homework. I called and apologized to Cole, even thought I knew I was not supposed to until I went to bed, I needed to apologize. He tried to pretend like he hadn't noticed I was upset. But he knew and I knew that. He somewhat accepted my apology, I guess and I let him go back to being with his friends. I started back on my homework and realized Cole had been acting weird on that call. I couldn't place how. I called mom and briefly talked to her about it, we couldn't figure it out. Just pegged it on him being drunk, and I went back to homework. He texted me when he got back into service, saying that (this is a whole another story but anyway) his friends (which are mutual with Cole and his brother) agree that his brother was being a douche in not letting me ride with a couple weeks ago going out there. And even gave me my phone call, with a little more good news. His friends and him consider themselves the "Bum Club" (kind of really sort of super confused on this, but I play along) and I am considered the 4th member instead of Cole's brother. Not bad I guess. But then again, they haven't seen me at my worst. They've seen pieces, but I've done a pretty good job at keeping them sheltered from it. And I intend to keep it this way.

So I guess that is just kind of a look into where things are sitting in my life right now. Have BPD therapy here in a bit, then a lab report to do tonight, as well as a group meeting, and packing, and starting on homework that's due Friday and hopefully starting on studying for my 7:00 AM exam Friday morning, UGH!

I am going to try to get back on blogging about my BPD, and hopefully can stay on it. It feels good to just get it out. And I'm not hurting anyone by putting this out there, like I am when I keep bringing it up with M, D and C.

Back?

So after having a fairly good summer and September, with regards to my BPD. Things turned a hard south around the beginning of October.

So, my mom is trying to get me to get back at this, to see if it helps some.

So maybe, hopefully I'm back. Though, sitting in class isn't the best place to start back up with a long post. But at least I downloaded the app on my phone so maybe I'll get me back on track with this...