My life right now.

So things were looking pretty good as far as my BPD goes for most of the summer, and most of September. About a month ago however, things took a violent turn for the worse.

Being a 5th year senior... Most of my friends graduated last spring.. Cole and Bethany, being the main ones. Ya I've got "friends" the kind that you might talk to in class some and might even be facebook friends with. But, I don't have real friends in this town anymore. No one to talk to about life. No one to just hang out with when I'm feeling lonely.

Hello depression, loneliness, sadness.

The feelings of loneliness really started to kick in a few weeks ago. I realized that I hadn't hung out with anyone since getting back to Bozeman, except Cole when he was here. Now everywhere I look, everywhere I go, everything I do... I do alone, I feel alone, I am alone.

What else did the end of September bring? Midterms. And Midterms=STRESS. Through Sept I had been doing a fairly good job of staying up on everything, but now having to add in studying for exams and stressing over exams to the equation... Things got a little out of control in the stress department.



So come the end of September... where was I sitting? I was stressed out as hell from school. I was alone, except for my 409 mile, each way, trips to see Cole. Cole back at home, Bethany in Utah, family in Oregon (and Cali), and me here. All alone. The middle of September, we added Equine Therapy to the mix, which is outside of town, so its 2+ hours of my time for each session. Oh, and I had a roommate who turned out to be a total irresponsible, unsanitary, lazy, incompetent douche. Just adding more stress to my life.

What happened? Things started to get bad. Had a bad episode, including my parents calling the Sheriff on me for threatening my life. Cole was able to come out here to try to help get me calmed down. Kind of helped, but not really. The Saturday he was here, we'd been watching the Cats game at Buffalo Wild Wings, then came home at half time. I walked in the door to see the dishes still not done. The disgusting mess and mold that was accumulating in MY kitchen. I lost it. I'd written numberous notes about him needing to clean up after himself. Even telling me he could pay me to do it for him, I had texted him, etc. I couldn't handle walking into that mess. Cole was trying to keep me calm as best he could. But I was screaming for help. Getting violent and was not with it at all. At some point, I even got pissed and went screaming across the house trying to get him to do his dishes, and at some point throwing a plate into the floor, shattering it. His door was locked when I tried to go in, so I tried to hit it in like you can on my bedroom door. Didn't work. Left a couple fist marks in the door. Sometime before this, he'd called the cops. So they show up and it just ends up being more drama. Things would have been fine as they were. As they always had been. He won't admit to calling the cops, but things have been way worse around here and no one has called, except my parents, since they're stuck in Or and can't help. Thankfully no charges were filed or anything and the cops convinced them to leave for the night. The little immature BOY had the guts to call my dad and break the contract with him for the room he's renting.

I'm sorry, but you shouldn't use peoples disabilities against them. He knew I had this problem. But apparently he is chicken shit and went crying for the cops when I got into an episode.

So, after this, my main therapist was extremely unhappy with me. Telling me when I saw her next after that episode, that she wants me to go in-patient. I fought and fought and fought to not go. Eventually, she let me just sign a contract saying if I get suicidal or the cops are called on me again, I have to go. I think it was the next week where we established levels of "episodes" where I couldn't go past a certain point. That wasn't very high.

The last few weeks have been a complete and total rollercoaster. Smaller level episodes here and there. All based off a combination of stress and feeling alone.

Cole doesn't text me. I go into a tail spin.

The house is a mess. I go into a tail spin.

My school work isn't done. I go into a tail spin.

You see the pattern.

Last Thursday was a rough night. I was tired and stressed, and felt all alone. Cole was PISSED at me for saying "I need you, Cole" and completely yelled at me on the phone for it. Setting me into a tail spin. I was yelling and screaming and punching my bed, and all the normal "episode" characteristics. Then I came the the realization that the bad roommate was here. Grabbed my dogs, got in my car and left. I didn't know where I was going. I just drove. Ended up lost, confused, and really tired. Almost hit some unknown critter standing the the road. Still have no idea what it was. Finally figured out where I was at, and headed back towards town, almost t-boning a person a few moments later. I was talking to my mama on the phone for a lot of this. And flipped out even worse when this guy went to turn in front of me then stopped when he realized it wasn't an entrance. I was crying, it was dark and wet. I barely missed hitting him. I realized I shouldn't be driving then. But kept driving until I found a parking lot, that wasn't busy, where I could sit until things calmed down. That process took a while. Finally was able to (or mom.. .not sure) convince Cole to call me and talk to me for a few minutes so I could settle down. That was all I needed... him to talk to me.

Saturday night and Sunday morning also had episodes. Caused by being tired and stressed, and feeling very lonely.

My therapist wasn't really happy with all of that when I saw her yesterday. But she agrees that I'm just right on that line, so she is going to keep helping me try to get better. My assignment for this week is to create my own Treatment Plan. To come up with the things that I think will work to help me get better. Things for Body, Mind and Spirit. I'm in the process of getting all of this figured out, and hope to post about it once I have at least a rough draft of it ready.

I'm also seeing yet another therapist now (that's three if you've lost count). My main therapist referred me to him, they work in the same office and can take a "tag team" approach to my care. She does the general therapy, since she isn't trained in BPD, and he works with the BPD part.

The BPD therapist described my BPD as a monster. And it all kind of clicked. The monster feeds off of the stress, the alone feelings, the abandonment when I'm not getting the attention I desire, the bad roommate, the everything negative in my life. The monster grows when things start to "set me off" and takes over my body, until I can shrink it back down.

Sunday morning, I literally felt the monster taking over my body. It started deep inside me and just swept out. One of the weirdest things I have ever experienced. I am becoming more aware of what is going on with my body, my mind, my environment. What the BPD therapist first had me start working on. He gets emails now and then about my new level of awareness discovering things within my self. Today, I emailed him about how I know my negative emotions get dwelled on and some little negative thing in my life will skyrocket out of proportion and suddenly be HUGE in my mind. Today, it was not having homework done. I realized that there was no way I was going to get it done, got really upset with my self. Drug Cole and Dad into it. The whole nine yards. But what I realized is... my positive emotions are just kind of there. Don't really play much part in anything. Yea, they'll make me happy for a bit, but I don't dwell on them. They're just kind of there. As soon as a negative thought comes on, the positive emotions are gone, and the negative begins to quickly take over and grow. So, I am hoping that when I go see him here in a bit, we will be able to begin addressing that. How to make my positive emotions take over the way my negative ones do now. But, I don't know if there will be time for that, given the rough weekend.

Last night, I had a "mini-sode" I started to get really upset (Cole was going to a bar without texting service, so I wouldn't be able to text him all night. Was okay with him going to the bar.. this is a new okayness... but I just wanted him to go where he could text me). I called my mom and actually listened for once to take my anxiety pill. And together (mom and pill) they were able to get me calmed down to go back to working on homework. I called and apologized to Cole, even thought I knew I was not supposed to until I went to bed, I needed to apologize. He tried to pretend like he hadn't noticed I was upset. But he knew and I knew that. He somewhat accepted my apology, I guess and I let him go back to being with his friends. I started back on my homework and realized Cole had been acting weird on that call. I couldn't place how. I called mom and briefly talked to her about it, we couldn't figure it out. Just pegged it on him being drunk, and I went back to homework. He texted me when he got back into service, saying that (this is a whole another story but anyway) his friends (which are mutual with Cole and his brother) agree that his brother was being a douche in not letting me ride with a couple weeks ago going out there. And even gave me my phone call, with a little more good news. His friends and him consider themselves the "Bum Club" (kind of really sort of super confused on this, but I play along) and I am considered the 4th member instead of Cole's brother. Not bad I guess. But then again, they haven't seen me at my worst. They've seen pieces, but I've done a pretty good job at keeping them sheltered from it. And I intend to keep it this way.

So I guess that is just kind of a look into where things are sitting in my life right now. Have BPD therapy here in a bit, then a lab report to do tonight, as well as a group meeting, and packing, and starting on homework that's due Friday and hopefully starting on studying for my 7:00 AM exam Friday morning, UGH!

I am going to try to get back on blogging about my BPD, and hopefully can stay on it. It feels good to just get it out. And I'm not hurting anyone by putting this out there, like I am when I keep bringing it up with M, D and C.

Back?

So after having a fairly good summer and September, with regards to my BPD. Things turned a hard south around the beginning of October.

So, my mom is trying to get me to get back at this, to see if it helps some.

So maybe, hopefully I'm back. Though, sitting in class isn't the best place to start back up with a long post. But at least I downloaded the app on my phone so maybe I'll get me back on track with this...

Help

I know its been a while... Been a summer of serious ups and downs. Hopefully soon I will get around to filling you all (all?) in. But for now, just wanted to stop by and say help.

I need help. I have gotten to the point where during my episodes I just yell for help.

HELP!!

Somebody, please? Somebody help the pain go away. Help me stop getting so, so, so hurt over the smallest things. Help me stop hurting those I truely love. Help me stop pushing away any "friend" that comes into my life.

Just help.

I don't deserve to live like this.... Right?

I aure as hell know that the people in my life don't deserve to deal with this.

Help!!

Help my poor sister. The one who I, single handedly, have put into therapy. The one who I have driven to that point. The one who doesn't know what to do. She is the one that wants to help me the most... But i am the one absolutely tearing her apart. Help! My little sister won't have friends over because she dreads the call... The call where I have loat it and it puts the whole family into a tailspin. She even told me that because of me she is afraid to have a boyfriend. My poor baby sister. I am wrecking her life. Someone please just help me...

I don't want to live like this anymore.

I need help.

Tonight, I almost called the cops on myself. I am living off on my own and don't have any friends or family to call. And i needed help. Thankfully.. For once the boyfriend stuck through the hurt I was causing him and got me to the point where I almost felt safe before he got off the phone... Instead of hanging up and setting me into an absolutely horrible tailspin like he normally would.

I just need help right now. I haven't been seeing either therapist since I am so far away and don't have time to see one here.

I just need help...

... Please?

The Cops.. Again

I really don't even know how to put this whole story into words. In summary: Yesterday sucked.

Cole is graduating next weekend, and so has been having to spend endless hours working on his Senior Capstone project the last few weeks. I have hardly even got to see him. Queue Lonely feelings.

Wednesday night he got home after midnight. I couldn't fall asleep so I was waiting up for him. He gets home, I'm pissed. Tears, hatred, etc. Then, he has the guts to spring it on me that one of his fraternity brothers, who has been in a relationship the same length of time (almost to the day) as us, popped the question. I've been begging for Cole to take that step for weeks. I need commitment from him before we spend this next year apart. I am terrified for it. Queue Anxiety. Queue Hurt. He begs me to come back to bed during my little anger spurt... punching the floor, yelling, more tears, etc.... and after a while I realize that I just need comfort and go cry in his arms. We finally get to sleep around 1:30. And then woke up at 6 yesterday.

All day yesterday I felt really insecure. And as the day progressed, I began to feel more and more alone. Cole spent all day at school for the damn Capstone. Then went to his fraternity for some stupid brothers senior night thing (private event, of course). So the lonely feelings keep escalating. I am home alone. He has my computer and his is boring and doesn't have all of the stuff on it I like to do. Hell, it doesn't even have Excel, so I couldn't even make cool printables for my Life Management Binder on my organizing blog. I had nothing to do. I am over TV from the spending so much time alone the last few weeks. I am beyond warn out from school, didn't have the brain power to work on that. Couldn't get ahold of anyone to come be with me. Nothing!

While he was working on capstone he began to ignore my texts. I got really upset. He ignored my calls to. So I drove into campus, slapped him upside the head, and made him come talk to me. He promised he would text me the rest of the night.

He didn't.

A few hours later I can't handle it anymore. I am on the verge of a full blown episode. I had my super sharp scissors to my ankle. I knew I needed help. And what help was that. Him. I needed him to talk to me. I needed him to comfort me. Tell me everything was going to be okay. Tell me I am still loved. Tell me he cares about me. Tell me I am beautiful. Tell me I would make it. I drive back to campus. He isn't there. So of course, he is at the fraternity. And of course I am not allowed in.

I get to the house. The doors locked. I see the lights on in the basement, so I go knock on the window. They flipped a shit. Completly uncalled for. I yelled "I need Cole. I am not doing good" through the window. The President of the frat comes out and tells me the cops are on their way. COMPELTLY UNNECESSARY. They could have had a civil conversation but no.

So the campus cops show up (no, not mall cops. real cops, just school associated). All the campus cops show up. 6 of them I do believe. After going and talking to the President. They escort me off the property telling me I am no longer allowed on it.

I just need Cole.

They won't go get him. They won't help me in any way shape or form to get what I needed to calm down. So much for the DBT skills. No one will help me when I clearly state what I need.

The next probably half hour is kinda fuzzy. I know I am pissed. Cole is no where to be seen. There are cops everywhere.

They ask me if I have hurt myself. I show them my ankle, which didn't have much for new marks as I had figured out what I needed. A different straegy to get through.

Because of that I have to go to get help.

They eventualy handcuff me because I started to freak out. I just flipping needed Cole.

Sometime later, they finally load me into the way too small of a back seat, choke me with the seatbelt, and then make me sit there forever while they figure out what the hell to do.

I was calm, during this whole thing. The freakout was mostly just rocking back and forth and hunching over. And saying "NOO!" a lot.

We FINALLY head to the hospital, they take me into the ER.. where it is way over crowded. They put me in some waiting room. And thank God one of my therapists calls my phone (which one of the cops had) and so he talks to her and she gives the okay for me to go to the Hope House. The Hope House is a short term, mental health, crisis stablization center (as best as I have figured out. It is where they sent me when I first stabbed myself last Feb or March.. I dont even know when.. it was right at the end of feb or beginning of march and is all a blur. All I know is I was in what felt like Jail with colored walls).

They call in the therapist on call. And like an hour after we had gotten to the Hope House he finally shows. Then screws around on the computer for a while. By this point its atleast 11:30. I am exausted. Sitting there crying. My parents didn't know where I was and kept calling the cops, and eventually even the Hope House. But they can't really say anything because of all that stupid confidenciallity crap. I really am about to get it tattooed on me that my dad can have all this information. All of the forms I keep having to fill out and everything are just getting old. Let my dad know what the hell is going on people.

Finally, I get to sit in for the 20 questions with the therapist. All pretty dumb. Especially since I had been there before, they coulda pulled my file and got most of the answer. The meds had changed. Thats it for stuff that wasn't past week questions. The last question, FINALLY, was "What do you want to happen?" My response "Just let me go home and go to bed."

They decide they're going to release me. But my pickups on the fraternities property. Along with my dogs. And I am not allowed to go on and get it. So I (now having my phone back) get to calling everyone. No one would answer, and if they did they were complete assholes and wouldn't walk the 10 minutes from campus to go move my damn pickup into the street. Finally, I am able to get ahold of Cole's brother. And after handing the phone to the officer, he finally agrees to load my dogs back up.. they'd taken them out... I am really upset about that... and move my pickup to the street.

I finally get back to my pickup. Get her warmed up and start on home. The whole way my left blinker is on. I can't get it to turn off! I get home, shut off the pickup and its still on. I am freaking out that they broke my pickup. About to call the cops again, my mom wakes up my dad (I was on the phone with her driving back) and he says to check the hazzards. WHY THE HELL WERE MY HAZZARDS ON!? Seriously was just having a bad night.

I keep talking to my parents. Then throw my phone. It comes apart. And I start calling Cole's brother with my house phone until he finally answers and lets me talk to one asshole of a boyfriend so I could beg for an "I love you, goodnight" that I have to have everynight. Its just a rule in our relationship. I finally get it and he hands the phone back to his brother and then his brother is being a complete ass. I am so over this all. I get wound back up.

I don't know exactly when I got home.. 12:30ish I am guessing? But it is after 2 by the time my parents have me calmed down and I finally crawl into my cold, lonely bed and call the dogs up to cuddle. I wake up again at 5. I am guessing because the anxiety pill my parents had talked me into taking wore off. I laid there frustrated as hell. Trying to call Cole, of course with no answer. Finally, I can't take it anymore and call and wake my poor dad up. End up talking to both parents, again. And finally get up around 7:10 to try to make it to my 8am.

Around 7:30 Cole texts me telling me he is on his way home. I'm already running late, can't park on the frat's property like normal and so just give up on going to class. I needed the time with him anyway.

Thankfully he gets home, and is mad, but not too mad. He walks into the bedroom and says "I think you need a hug" and pulls me into his arms.

At this point, I am still a little hopeful I will make it to class so I go back to scrambling to get ready. Decide at 7:40 when there is no way I am going to be able to get a place to park and make it to class even close to on time, that I am officially staying.

I convince him to cuddle up with me on the couch eventually. And its all I needed. I was exausted, depressed, embarassed, hurt, full of shame and guilt, and scared. very scared. All I want to do is spend the day in his arms. Of course, that isn't going to happen. I end up going to school around 9:20 so I can get a campus permit for the rest of the semester and head on into my 10 o'clock class.

My day has just been shitty. I have gotten like 8 hours of sleep over the past 2 nights. I am warn out from school, from the episode, from the events of last night. I am grumpy. I hit damn near every stoplight in this town red. Just everything.

And now, I think we're going downtown for some bobcats on main or something. Then, they graduating seniors get free drinks downtown tonight... I am NOT looking forward to this. But I know Cole won't pass it up... And I really want to spend the time with him. I need to spend the time with him. We have less then 2 weeks together before we start the year apart. I likely won't even have a chance to see him until late August.

This just sucks. I'm over cops. I'm over this stupid frickin BPD. I'm just over it all.

But I am thankful for my parents. They put up with so much from this. Its effecting both their works, their health, everything. But they're there for me. Unlike anyone else.

Proud

I sit here hungry, bored, dreading class, hung the hell over and best of all proud!!!

I have had a couple more good days. But thats not why. Not exactly, anyway.

Yesterday I got home from school, and after my 1.5+ hour Pintrest binge.. I sat down and did homework for aprox 4 hours.. Straight! It felt good to actually be productive. To have something to turn in at 8 this morning (after my hungover self finally got to class). I really have been struggling with motivation and lack of productivity the last few weeks so the change was much appreciated.

But thats still not it.

The hangover had to come from somewhere, right? Lately they have been coming from episodes. You know, that just blah, worthless, ashmed, tired, wore out, angry feeling after the BPD takes your body over.

Thats not what its from.

The reason I am a proud girl today: successful Boot Night. (Boot Night is thurs at one of our bars. You get cheap drinks in a boot shaped glass)

I scrambeled to get my homework done by 9 so we could go out. We get there and in goes the whiskey. Mmmm :) And more whiskey. And maybe some more... And you get the idea. I had my fair share. And guess what?! Nothing bad happened!!!!!!!

I kept control all night. Told the BPD to shove it. Had a blast. Cole had a blast. Life was good. Especially once I found us a ride clear the heck out to our house. But thats beside the point.

Alcohol+me=good, this time around.

I pray all nights out end up like that.

I am happy with myself.
I am very proud of myself.
Cole is proud of me.
Our relationship strengthened.

I realistically couldnt ask for a better night.

Good Days

I wish I knew what to attribute it to but I have been having fairly good days. Few alligator tears the other night about my self image, but that is it!
My moods up, the fights are down. It was amazing to put a line through the section called "fights with Cole" on my diary card from yesterday. The few days before it he had sparked the desire in me for a fight, and I didn't follow it. But yesterday I wasn't even irritable with him!!
It is so nice to almost feel normal right now. I was in a funk for a month. A long month.

**A note on the diary card, I customized mine to fit my needs and struggles. The emphasize what I need to work on. I think it is a big part of how far I have come. I will do a post one of these days about my modifications.

Now, to just keep finals and the stress of moving for the summer and being away from Cole from ruining it. It will be a rough few weeks, but I think I can handle it.

I am only 3 homework assignments, a lab and 3 finals away from summer. From a relaxation week before I start my internship with a company I have wanted to work for more or less my whole life!

Please, BPD, don't screw with this!!

Instead, try this:

With help from my therapists, I have been coming up with a list of things to do instead of having an episode... Assuming I can catch it in time. I thought I would share it. Feel free to add any suggestions:)

• Take a bath or trip to Sauna
• Go for a jog or walk
• Scrapbook happy times
• House maintance
• Take the time to look pretty
• Workout
• Read
• Kiss, cuddle, etc
• Read the Bible
• Sing
• Bake
• Play my viola
• Take the dogs and go for a drive
• Sleep
• Go for a hike
• Pamper self, get a massage, nails done, etc
• Make lists of happy things to do
• Go shopping
• Play with Bentley and Koda
• Blog
• Clean
• Dance
• Go somewhere with a friend
• Play games, pool, Wii, etc
• Reflect positively on self
• Puzzles
• Try something new

I am trying to do some of these.. and having a little bit of luck. Like anything else with the BPD its hard. I am really focusing on doing positive things for myself. This means school and work are suffering, but I just need to get through this semester and start over fresh for the summer.