The Cops.. Again

I really don't even know how to put this whole story into words. In summary: Yesterday sucked.

Cole is graduating next weekend, and so has been having to spend endless hours working on his Senior Capstone project the last few weeks. I have hardly even got to see him. Queue Lonely feelings.

Wednesday night he got home after midnight. I couldn't fall asleep so I was waiting up for him. He gets home, I'm pissed. Tears, hatred, etc. Then, he has the guts to spring it on me that one of his fraternity brothers, who has been in a relationship the same length of time (almost to the day) as us, popped the question. I've been begging for Cole to take that step for weeks. I need commitment from him before we spend this next year apart. I am terrified for it. Queue Anxiety. Queue Hurt. He begs me to come back to bed during my little anger spurt... punching the floor, yelling, more tears, etc.... and after a while I realize that I just need comfort and go cry in his arms. We finally get to sleep around 1:30. And then woke up at 6 yesterday.

All day yesterday I felt really insecure. And as the day progressed, I began to feel more and more alone. Cole spent all day at school for the damn Capstone. Then went to his fraternity for some stupid brothers senior night thing (private event, of course). So the lonely feelings keep escalating. I am home alone. He has my computer and his is boring and doesn't have all of the stuff on it I like to do. Hell, it doesn't even have Excel, so I couldn't even make cool printables for my Life Management Binder on my organizing blog. I had nothing to do. I am over TV from the spending so much time alone the last few weeks. I am beyond warn out from school, didn't have the brain power to work on that. Couldn't get ahold of anyone to come be with me. Nothing!

While he was working on capstone he began to ignore my texts. I got really upset. He ignored my calls to. So I drove into campus, slapped him upside the head, and made him come talk to me. He promised he would text me the rest of the night.

He didn't.

A few hours later I can't handle it anymore. I am on the verge of a full blown episode. I had my super sharp scissors to my ankle. I knew I needed help. And what help was that. Him. I needed him to talk to me. I needed him to comfort me. Tell me everything was going to be okay. Tell me I am still loved. Tell me he cares about me. Tell me I am beautiful. Tell me I would make it. I drive back to campus. He isn't there. So of course, he is at the fraternity. And of course I am not allowed in.

I get to the house. The doors locked. I see the lights on in the basement, so I go knock on the window. They flipped a shit. Completly uncalled for. I yelled "I need Cole. I am not doing good" through the window. The President of the frat comes out and tells me the cops are on their way. COMPELTLY UNNECESSARY. They could have had a civil conversation but no.

So the campus cops show up (no, not mall cops. real cops, just school associated). All the campus cops show up. 6 of them I do believe. After going and talking to the President. They escort me off the property telling me I am no longer allowed on it.

I just need Cole.

They won't go get him. They won't help me in any way shape or form to get what I needed to calm down. So much for the DBT skills. No one will help me when I clearly state what I need.

The next probably half hour is kinda fuzzy. I know I am pissed. Cole is no where to be seen. There are cops everywhere.

They ask me if I have hurt myself. I show them my ankle, which didn't have much for new marks as I had figured out what I needed. A different straegy to get through.

Because of that I have to go to get help.

They eventualy handcuff me because I started to freak out. I just flipping needed Cole.

Sometime later, they finally load me into the way too small of a back seat, choke me with the seatbelt, and then make me sit there forever while they figure out what the hell to do.

I was calm, during this whole thing. The freakout was mostly just rocking back and forth and hunching over. And saying "NOO!" a lot.

We FINALLY head to the hospital, they take me into the ER.. where it is way over crowded. They put me in some waiting room. And thank God one of my therapists calls my phone (which one of the cops had) and so he talks to her and she gives the okay for me to go to the Hope House. The Hope House is a short term, mental health, crisis stablization center (as best as I have figured out. It is where they sent me when I first stabbed myself last Feb or March.. I dont even know when.. it was right at the end of feb or beginning of march and is all a blur. All I know is I was in what felt like Jail with colored walls).

They call in the therapist on call. And like an hour after we had gotten to the Hope House he finally shows. Then screws around on the computer for a while. By this point its atleast 11:30. I am exausted. Sitting there crying. My parents didn't know where I was and kept calling the cops, and eventually even the Hope House. But they can't really say anything because of all that stupid confidenciallity crap. I really am about to get it tattooed on me that my dad can have all this information. All of the forms I keep having to fill out and everything are just getting old. Let my dad know what the hell is going on people.

Finally, I get to sit in for the 20 questions with the therapist. All pretty dumb. Especially since I had been there before, they coulda pulled my file and got most of the answer. The meds had changed. Thats it for stuff that wasn't past week questions. The last question, FINALLY, was "What do you want to happen?" My response "Just let me go home and go to bed."

They decide they're going to release me. But my pickups on the fraternities property. Along with my dogs. And I am not allowed to go on and get it. So I (now having my phone back) get to calling everyone. No one would answer, and if they did they were complete assholes and wouldn't walk the 10 minutes from campus to go move my damn pickup into the street. Finally, I am able to get ahold of Cole's brother. And after handing the phone to the officer, he finally agrees to load my dogs back up.. they'd taken them out... I am really upset about that... and move my pickup to the street.

I finally get back to my pickup. Get her warmed up and start on home. The whole way my left blinker is on. I can't get it to turn off! I get home, shut off the pickup and its still on. I am freaking out that they broke my pickup. About to call the cops again, my mom wakes up my dad (I was on the phone with her driving back) and he says to check the hazzards. WHY THE HELL WERE MY HAZZARDS ON!? Seriously was just having a bad night.

I keep talking to my parents. Then throw my phone. It comes apart. And I start calling Cole's brother with my house phone until he finally answers and lets me talk to one asshole of a boyfriend so I could beg for an "I love you, goodnight" that I have to have everynight. Its just a rule in our relationship. I finally get it and he hands the phone back to his brother and then his brother is being a complete ass. I am so over this all. I get wound back up.

I don't know exactly when I got home.. 12:30ish I am guessing? But it is after 2 by the time my parents have me calmed down and I finally crawl into my cold, lonely bed and call the dogs up to cuddle. I wake up again at 5. I am guessing because the anxiety pill my parents had talked me into taking wore off. I laid there frustrated as hell. Trying to call Cole, of course with no answer. Finally, I can't take it anymore and call and wake my poor dad up. End up talking to both parents, again. And finally get up around 7:10 to try to make it to my 8am.

Around 7:30 Cole texts me telling me he is on his way home. I'm already running late, can't park on the frat's property like normal and so just give up on going to class. I needed the time with him anyway.

Thankfully he gets home, and is mad, but not too mad. He walks into the bedroom and says "I think you need a hug" and pulls me into his arms.

At this point, I am still a little hopeful I will make it to class so I go back to scrambling to get ready. Decide at 7:40 when there is no way I am going to be able to get a place to park and make it to class even close to on time, that I am officially staying.

I convince him to cuddle up with me on the couch eventually. And its all I needed. I was exausted, depressed, embarassed, hurt, full of shame and guilt, and scared. very scared. All I want to do is spend the day in his arms. Of course, that isn't going to happen. I end up going to school around 9:20 so I can get a campus permit for the rest of the semester and head on into my 10 o'clock class.

My day has just been shitty. I have gotten like 8 hours of sleep over the past 2 nights. I am warn out from school, from the episode, from the events of last night. I am grumpy. I hit damn near every stoplight in this town red. Just everything.

And now, I think we're going downtown for some bobcats on main or something. Then, they graduating seniors get free drinks downtown tonight... I am NOT looking forward to this. But I know Cole won't pass it up... And I really want to spend the time with him. I need to spend the time with him. We have less then 2 weeks together before we start the year apart. I likely won't even have a chance to see him until late August.

This just sucks. I'm over cops. I'm over this stupid frickin BPD. I'm just over it all.

But I am thankful for my parents. They put up with so much from this. Its effecting both their works, their health, everything. But they're there for me. Unlike anyone else.