I did a Google search on "BPD Relationships"... things aren't promising according to all the links that popped up.
And now I'm terrified.
I have already driven Cole almost to the breaking point. I love him so much and can't even imagine loosing him, even though its an almost every day conversation.. or so it seems. He is warn out. Hes got brusies. He's lost and confused. He doesn't even know if he wants to be with me or not. He says he "doesn't care either way." How am I supposed to take that? I want a definate answer.. He can't give one. In less then a month he graduates. I move to Oregon for the summer, he will likely be in Sidney. 1200 +/- miles apart. All summer. Then, in August.. I come back to school. I will only be 425 miles away then, but still, I won't see him much. Then next May.. I graduate. Do I give up my dreams and move to Sidney with him? Yea, I can probably find a job in Civil, especially with the oil boom. But it won't be exactly what I have always dreamed of, which is 100% fine if everything works out and we get married and have a family and so on. But even worse, whats been going through my head all day... What happens if I move out there... and our relationship ends. What then? I've given up everything for it.. and nothing happens? I want commitment now so I know and can stop worrying... but he can't even verbally give me any.. yet alone a ring. I am terrified of what my next year holds. How do we do this long distance for a year when I can't stand to be apart from him a few hours? How do I drop everything and move out there without commitment?
I need to get healthy. Then he'd know. I am sure he is still in love with the healthy me. And but that side is rarely around anymore it seems. Is he just hanging on for that? I mean he must be.. but does he have faith? He never seems like it when I talk to him about it. "Yea you could get better but thats going to be a lot more work then you're showing you're willing to put in"... crap like that! He doesnt understand that every day is a struggle. Telling myself I'm a total screw up.... day after day after day. I have to tell myself that. Tell myself I'm a screw up and I need to do this and that and this and that differently to not be.. then fail at doing them. I am trying as hard as I can to get better. To stay calm when my world appears to be falling apart. I am trying. He doesn't see it. I wish there was an instant fix. I really do. So does my family. And I am sure Cole does too.
I have to just get healthy. Make this disorder a thing of the past and get on with my life. I just have to. And FAST!
I was able to only get right to that dividing line between sane.. and insane.. this weekend and not cross it. I thought that was a big step considering I was extremely upset. Cole didn't see it as any improvement at all. And that hurts. It hurts that he doesn't see the little things.
He just wants me to be better.. instantly. I really am feeling more and more like thats the only way he is going to see progress. Its all or nothing. Either I'm still a "crazy bitch" or I am perfect. Theres no inbetween for him. No baby steps towards my health. This doesn't help the fact that I feel like I am going to loose him. That he is going to be like all the other BPD partners and get he hell out of town. I don't want this. I need to get better.
Sorry I have kind of been rambling. There is a lot on my mind right now. A lot of fear. A lot of confusion. A lot of terrifying thoughts.
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