Yesterday, I learned of something I cant be proud of at all, something I cant even hardly look at myself in the mirror because of. My next episode means impatient. I really cant believe i have gotten to this point. Throwing everything away because I cant control my emotions.... Loosing my internship, school, the relationships with my family...even maybe completly loosing Cole? What would my dogs do? The minimum I would be in there is 31 days. I would loose my gun rights... Never have the chance to hunt again. I would not be able to live with myself if that happened.
Ya, this needs to be motivation, but I dont know how to do it. Everything just happens so fast in the split second before an episode. I have to learn to control that very brief period of time.. And now... I cant fail. An episode happens... Life as i know it is over. Kiss goodbye to freedoms and my future.
The Hope House was living hell... And I was only there a few days and remember only brief parts. 31 days in a facility, with other crazies? I couldnt handle it. I would be worse off then when I went in!
I guess I have to figure out right now how to deal with that split second between my sane self and the blacked out crazy, "borderline" self.
I am going to have to start working on the DBT skills hardcore... Starting with adjusting things to make them work better for me. Just have to figure out what that really means. I think it has to start with the diary card. I have already adjusted the one sherry gave me a little bit, but was looking thru the workbook and noticed they have one that might have a concept that will work better, i think, for me.
Well see what happens i guess
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