The Cops.. Again

I really don't even know how to put this whole story into words. In summary: Yesterday sucked.

Cole is graduating next weekend, and so has been having to spend endless hours working on his Senior Capstone project the last few weeks. I have hardly even got to see him. Queue Lonely feelings.

Wednesday night he got home after midnight. I couldn't fall asleep so I was waiting up for him. He gets home, I'm pissed. Tears, hatred, etc. Then, he has the guts to spring it on me that one of his fraternity brothers, who has been in a relationship the same length of time (almost to the day) as us, popped the question. I've been begging for Cole to take that step for weeks. I need commitment from him before we spend this next year apart. I am terrified for it. Queue Anxiety. Queue Hurt. He begs me to come back to bed during my little anger spurt... punching the floor, yelling, more tears, etc.... and after a while I realize that I just need comfort and go cry in his arms. We finally get to sleep around 1:30. And then woke up at 6 yesterday.

All day yesterday I felt really insecure. And as the day progressed, I began to feel more and more alone. Cole spent all day at school for the damn Capstone. Then went to his fraternity for some stupid brothers senior night thing (private event, of course). So the lonely feelings keep escalating. I am home alone. He has my computer and his is boring and doesn't have all of the stuff on it I like to do. Hell, it doesn't even have Excel, so I couldn't even make cool printables for my Life Management Binder on my organizing blog. I had nothing to do. I am over TV from the spending so much time alone the last few weeks. I am beyond warn out from school, didn't have the brain power to work on that. Couldn't get ahold of anyone to come be with me. Nothing!

While he was working on capstone he began to ignore my texts. I got really upset. He ignored my calls to. So I drove into campus, slapped him upside the head, and made him come talk to me. He promised he would text me the rest of the night.

He didn't.

A few hours later I can't handle it anymore. I am on the verge of a full blown episode. I had my super sharp scissors to my ankle. I knew I needed help. And what help was that. Him. I needed him to talk to me. I needed him to comfort me. Tell me everything was going to be okay. Tell me I am still loved. Tell me he cares about me. Tell me I am beautiful. Tell me I would make it. I drive back to campus. He isn't there. So of course, he is at the fraternity. And of course I am not allowed in.

I get to the house. The doors locked. I see the lights on in the basement, so I go knock on the window. They flipped a shit. Completly uncalled for. I yelled "I need Cole. I am not doing good" through the window. The President of the frat comes out and tells me the cops are on their way. COMPELTLY UNNECESSARY. They could have had a civil conversation but no.

So the campus cops show up (no, not mall cops. real cops, just school associated). All the campus cops show up. 6 of them I do believe. After going and talking to the President. They escort me off the property telling me I am no longer allowed on it.

I just need Cole.

They won't go get him. They won't help me in any way shape or form to get what I needed to calm down. So much for the DBT skills. No one will help me when I clearly state what I need.

The next probably half hour is kinda fuzzy. I know I am pissed. Cole is no where to be seen. There are cops everywhere.

They ask me if I have hurt myself. I show them my ankle, which didn't have much for new marks as I had figured out what I needed. A different straegy to get through.

Because of that I have to go to get help.

They eventualy handcuff me because I started to freak out. I just flipping needed Cole.

Sometime later, they finally load me into the way too small of a back seat, choke me with the seatbelt, and then make me sit there forever while they figure out what the hell to do.

I was calm, during this whole thing. The freakout was mostly just rocking back and forth and hunching over. And saying "NOO!" a lot.

We FINALLY head to the hospital, they take me into the ER.. where it is way over crowded. They put me in some waiting room. And thank God one of my therapists calls my phone (which one of the cops had) and so he talks to her and she gives the okay for me to go to the Hope House. The Hope House is a short term, mental health, crisis stablization center (as best as I have figured out. It is where they sent me when I first stabbed myself last Feb or March.. I dont even know when.. it was right at the end of feb or beginning of march and is all a blur. All I know is I was in what felt like Jail with colored walls).

They call in the therapist on call. And like an hour after we had gotten to the Hope House he finally shows. Then screws around on the computer for a while. By this point its atleast 11:30. I am exausted. Sitting there crying. My parents didn't know where I was and kept calling the cops, and eventually even the Hope House. But they can't really say anything because of all that stupid confidenciallity crap. I really am about to get it tattooed on me that my dad can have all this information. All of the forms I keep having to fill out and everything are just getting old. Let my dad know what the hell is going on people.

Finally, I get to sit in for the 20 questions with the therapist. All pretty dumb. Especially since I had been there before, they coulda pulled my file and got most of the answer. The meds had changed. Thats it for stuff that wasn't past week questions. The last question, FINALLY, was "What do you want to happen?" My response "Just let me go home and go to bed."

They decide they're going to release me. But my pickups on the fraternities property. Along with my dogs. And I am not allowed to go on and get it. So I (now having my phone back) get to calling everyone. No one would answer, and if they did they were complete assholes and wouldn't walk the 10 minutes from campus to go move my damn pickup into the street. Finally, I am able to get ahold of Cole's brother. And after handing the phone to the officer, he finally agrees to load my dogs back up.. they'd taken them out... I am really upset about that... and move my pickup to the street.

I finally get back to my pickup. Get her warmed up and start on home. The whole way my left blinker is on. I can't get it to turn off! I get home, shut off the pickup and its still on. I am freaking out that they broke my pickup. About to call the cops again, my mom wakes up my dad (I was on the phone with her driving back) and he says to check the hazzards. WHY THE HELL WERE MY HAZZARDS ON!? Seriously was just having a bad night.

I keep talking to my parents. Then throw my phone. It comes apart. And I start calling Cole's brother with my house phone until he finally answers and lets me talk to one asshole of a boyfriend so I could beg for an "I love you, goodnight" that I have to have everynight. Its just a rule in our relationship. I finally get it and he hands the phone back to his brother and then his brother is being a complete ass. I am so over this all. I get wound back up.

I don't know exactly when I got home.. 12:30ish I am guessing? But it is after 2 by the time my parents have me calmed down and I finally crawl into my cold, lonely bed and call the dogs up to cuddle. I wake up again at 5. I am guessing because the anxiety pill my parents had talked me into taking wore off. I laid there frustrated as hell. Trying to call Cole, of course with no answer. Finally, I can't take it anymore and call and wake my poor dad up. End up talking to both parents, again. And finally get up around 7:10 to try to make it to my 8am.

Around 7:30 Cole texts me telling me he is on his way home. I'm already running late, can't park on the frat's property like normal and so just give up on going to class. I needed the time with him anyway.

Thankfully he gets home, and is mad, but not too mad. He walks into the bedroom and says "I think you need a hug" and pulls me into his arms.

At this point, I am still a little hopeful I will make it to class so I go back to scrambling to get ready. Decide at 7:40 when there is no way I am going to be able to get a place to park and make it to class even close to on time, that I am officially staying.

I convince him to cuddle up with me on the couch eventually. And its all I needed. I was exausted, depressed, embarassed, hurt, full of shame and guilt, and scared. very scared. All I want to do is spend the day in his arms. Of course, that isn't going to happen. I end up going to school around 9:20 so I can get a campus permit for the rest of the semester and head on into my 10 o'clock class.

My day has just been shitty. I have gotten like 8 hours of sleep over the past 2 nights. I am warn out from school, from the episode, from the events of last night. I am grumpy. I hit damn near every stoplight in this town red. Just everything.

And now, I think we're going downtown for some bobcats on main or something. Then, they graduating seniors get free drinks downtown tonight... I am NOT looking forward to this. But I know Cole won't pass it up... And I really want to spend the time with him. I need to spend the time with him. We have less then 2 weeks together before we start the year apart. I likely won't even have a chance to see him until late August.

This just sucks. I'm over cops. I'm over this stupid frickin BPD. I'm just over it all.

But I am thankful for my parents. They put up with so much from this. Its effecting both their works, their health, everything. But they're there for me. Unlike anyone else.

Proud

I sit here hungry, bored, dreading class, hung the hell over and best of all proud!!!

I have had a couple more good days. But thats not why. Not exactly, anyway.

Yesterday I got home from school, and after my 1.5+ hour Pintrest binge.. I sat down and did homework for aprox 4 hours.. Straight! It felt good to actually be productive. To have something to turn in at 8 this morning (after my hungover self finally got to class). I really have been struggling with motivation and lack of productivity the last few weeks so the change was much appreciated.

But thats still not it.

The hangover had to come from somewhere, right? Lately they have been coming from episodes. You know, that just blah, worthless, ashmed, tired, wore out, angry feeling after the BPD takes your body over.

Thats not what its from.

The reason I am a proud girl today: successful Boot Night. (Boot Night is thurs at one of our bars. You get cheap drinks in a boot shaped glass)

I scrambeled to get my homework done by 9 so we could go out. We get there and in goes the whiskey. Mmmm :) And more whiskey. And maybe some more... And you get the idea. I had my fair share. And guess what?! Nothing bad happened!!!!!!!

I kept control all night. Told the BPD to shove it. Had a blast. Cole had a blast. Life was good. Especially once I found us a ride clear the heck out to our house. But thats beside the point.

Alcohol+me=good, this time around.

I pray all nights out end up like that.

I am happy with myself.
I am very proud of myself.
Cole is proud of me.
Our relationship strengthened.

I realistically couldnt ask for a better night.

Good Days

I wish I knew what to attribute it to but I have been having fairly good days. Few alligator tears the other night about my self image, but that is it!
My moods up, the fights are down. It was amazing to put a line through the section called "fights with Cole" on my diary card from yesterday. The few days before it he had sparked the desire in me for a fight, and I didn't follow it. But yesterday I wasn't even irritable with him!!
It is so nice to almost feel normal right now. I was in a funk for a month. A long month.

**A note on the diary card, I customized mine to fit my needs and struggles. The emphasize what I need to work on. I think it is a big part of how far I have come. I will do a post one of these days about my modifications.

Now, to just keep finals and the stress of moving for the summer and being away from Cole from ruining it. It will be a rough few weeks, but I think I can handle it.

I am only 3 homework assignments, a lab and 3 finals away from summer. From a relaxation week before I start my internship with a company I have wanted to work for more or less my whole life!

Please, BPD, don't screw with this!!

Instead, try this:

With help from my therapists, I have been coming up with a list of things to do instead of having an episode... Assuming I can catch it in time. I thought I would share it. Feel free to add any suggestions:)

• Take a bath or trip to Sauna
• Go for a jog or walk
• Scrapbook happy times
• House maintance
• Take the time to look pretty
• Workout
• Read
• Kiss, cuddle, etc
• Read the Bible
• Sing
• Bake
• Play my viola
• Take the dogs and go for a drive
• Sleep
• Go for a hike
• Pamper self, get a massage, nails done, etc
• Make lists of happy things to do
• Go shopping
• Play with Bentley and Koda
• Blog
• Clean
• Dance
• Go somewhere with a friend
• Play games, pool, Wii, etc
• Reflect positively on self
• Puzzles
• Try something new

I am trying to do some of these.. and having a little bit of luck. Like anything else with the BPD its hard. I am really focusing on doing positive things for myself. This means school and work are suffering, but I just need to get through this semester and start over fresh for the summer.

You Could Call it Good

I didn't kill yesterdays good day last night.

Then again, we didn't exactly go out. Well, we went out, to find the house empty and he didn't want to go to the bar or to the dance everyone was out. So we came home... and I sent my mom an email full of pintrest links for organizing and talked to her for a while on the phone. Exciting Saturday night... Ha.

Today, has been rather unproductive.. (like thats anything new). I was able to get my project done but thats it.

Any other BPDers out there that have had trouble with this? Is there any cure?

But now, I sit here, trying to keep my cool while I talk to Cole's brother about why he hates me so much. Yea, BPD, thats your fault.

This. Sucks.

A Good Day?!

Yesterday was a good day! Yippie!!!

It started out kinda blah.. down.. unproductive... unmotivated. But nothing bad happened.

Then I had a dinner with a team I was the captain for back in Feb. And my day turned around. Love and miss them! It was so nice to be back with the group I feel so comfortable with. People that don't really have any idea what I am dealing with and therefore have no judgement against me. It is such a relief :)

I drank a few beers at dinner. Then came home and made a 7&7.. AMAZING! :) And still my day didn't go south.

I was pretty excited.

Cole wasn't however. I wish I could just get him to be supportive and tell me I'm having/had a good day without me begging for him to respond to my asking of him.

I didn't let it get me down.

I was still bouncing off the walls with happieness, self approval, etc from my good day. Even though it was driving him crazy! :)

Now today, he's in the big engineering test we're required to take (I take mine next spring). And I've been home alone all day, minus a trip to the "Dollar Spree" where things aren't a dollar. I have been cleaning and trying to keep myself busy, but I am still pretty lonely. And scared for tonight. I know he's going to get drunk. And that never goes over well.

I'm sure there will be a post tomorrow about it. Either way. Or maybe even one tonight if I need to get my frustration out.

But still.. Good day yesterday.. and so far a decent day today.
Lets hope nothing ruins it. I need days like this!

Love!

A Simple Google Search

I did a Google search on "BPD Relationships"... things aren't promising according to all the links that popped up.

And now I'm terrified.

I have already driven Cole almost to the breaking point. I love him so much and can't even imagine loosing him, even though its an almost every day conversation.. or so it seems. He is warn out. Hes got brusies. He's lost and confused. He doesn't even know if he wants to be with me or not. He says he "doesn't care either way." How am I supposed to take that? I want a definate answer.. He can't give one. In less then a month he graduates. I move to Oregon for the summer, he will likely be in Sidney. 1200 +/- miles apart. All summer. Then, in August.. I come back to school. I will only be 425 miles away then, but still, I won't see him much. Then next May.. I graduate. Do I give up my dreams and move to Sidney with him? Yea, I can probably find a job in Civil, especially with the oil boom. But it won't be exactly what I have always dreamed of, which is 100% fine if everything works out and we get married and have a family and so on. But even worse, whats been going through my head all day... What happens if I move out there... and our relationship ends. What then? I've given up everything for it.. and nothing happens? I want commitment now so I know and can stop worrying... but he can't even verbally give me any.. yet alone a ring. I am terrified of what my next year holds. How do we do this long distance for a year when I can't stand to be apart from him a few hours? How do I drop everything and move out there without commitment?

I need to get healthy. Then he'd know. I am sure he is still in love with the healthy me. And but that side is rarely around anymore it seems. Is he just hanging on for that? I mean he must be.. but does he have faith? He never seems like it when I talk to him about it. "Yea you could get better but thats going to be a lot more work then you're showing you're willing to put in"... crap like that! He doesnt understand that every day is a struggle. Telling myself I'm a total screw up.... day after day after day. I have to tell myself that. Tell myself I'm a screw up and I need to do this and that and this and that differently to not be.. then fail at doing them. I am trying as hard as I can to get better. To stay calm when my world appears to be falling apart. I am trying. He doesn't see it. I wish there was an instant fix. I really do. So does my family. And I am sure Cole does too.

I have to just get healthy. Make this disorder a thing of the past and get on with my life. I just have to. And FAST!

I was able to only get right to that dividing line between sane.. and insane.. this weekend and not cross it. I thought that was a big step considering I was extremely upset. Cole didn't see it as any improvement at all. And that hurts. It hurts that he doesn't see the little things.

He just wants me to be better.. instantly. I really am feeling more and more like thats the only way he is going to see progress. Its all or nothing. Either I'm still a "crazy bitch" or I am perfect. Theres no inbetween for him. No baby steps towards my health. This doesn't help the fact that I feel like I am going to loose him. That he is going to be like all the other BPD partners and get he hell out of town. I don't want this. I need to get better.

Sorry I have kind of been rambling. There is a lot on my mind right now. A lot of fear. A lot of confusion. A lot of terrifying thoughts.

Video on Guilt and Shame

This is an interesting video my DBT therapist had me watch on shame and guilt. The first half I thought was slow, but the second half I watched twice.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

Disorderly Conduct

Apparently punching people is not ok in the football stands. Found that out the hard way. Before a game back in October, I had caught Cole flirting with another girl, very uncharacteristic of him, and needless to say, I was pissed. Instead of handling it like a normal person, the damn BPD took over, and landed me in the cops tent and a yellow ticket in hand. Thankfully, I was able to defer the sentence, and in just 13 days, it will be off of my record.

Even getting it off my record, this just shows how much this BPD is literally trying to screw up my life. It shows the unnecessary pain I have to struggle with. The fear of getting pulled over for the chance that might wreck the chances of getting it off my record as I was to "obey all laws". The fear that having the cops show up, from people being worried about my safety during an episode, will keep it from coming off. Thankfully they havent issued and citations, so I am in the clear as of now. But still, this BPD is just a mess. I have to get it under control. I just cant keep living like this.

The newest fun...

Yesterday, I learned of something I cant be proud of at all, something I cant even hardly look at myself in the mirror because of. My next episode means impatient. I really cant believe i have gotten to this point. Throwing everything away because I cant control my emotions.... Loosing my internship, school, the relationships with my family...even maybe completly loosing Cole? What would my dogs do? The minimum I would be in there is 31 days. I would loose my gun rights... Never have the chance to hunt again. I would not be able to live with myself if that happened.

Ya, this needs to be motivation, but I dont know how to do it. Everything just happens so fast in the split second before an episode. I have to learn to control that very brief period of time.. And now... I cant fail. An episode happens... Life as i know it is over. Kiss goodbye to freedoms and my future.

The Hope House was living hell... And I was only there a few days and remember only brief parts. 31 days in a facility, with other crazies? I couldnt handle it. I would be worse off then when I went in!

I guess I have to figure out right now how to deal with that split second between my sane self and the blacked out crazy, "borderline" self.

I am going to have to start working on the DBT skills hardcore... Starting with adjusting things to make them work better for me. Just have to figure out what that really means. I think it has to start with the diary card. I have already adjusted the one sherry gave me a little bit, but was looking thru the workbook and noticed they have one that might have a concept that will work better, i think, for me.

Well see what happens i guess

No Chores = Another Fight

It never ends. I wasn't exactly having a great day: up since 3:30 because of school, a miserably hard exam, feeling alone, etc. Come home to try and get work (like actual get paid, work) done in the wonderful sunshine we had... and get upset within an hour of getting home. And it wasn't just yelling upset, included trying to break down a door.. those kinds of things. And what was it over? Cole not doing his 2 chores he has. 2. Like really? They're the 2 easiest ever.. unloading the dishwasher and taking out the garbage. Our roommate unloaded the dishwasher.. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. and I took out the garbage this morning. Is it really that hard when someone else starts doing your job to get up and say that you're going to do it?!?! Needless to say, I'm pretty annoyed/upset about this.

I just feel like he expects me to do everything around here. Hello?! He lives here too. Its not like we're married and I'm a stay at home mom or something. I have a harder course load.. and I work... Not to mention all of the BPD, Depression, Anxiety,etc crap I have to deal with. I don't see why he can't help. I'd really like more help then that, but just those two things would be a huge deal to me. His solution: do his own laundry. The one chore I actually kinda enjoy. Uh. NO! I've done his laundry our whole relationship.. and don't really see that changing.

But really, its this kinda stuff that makes living my life with this damn BPD so hard. Huge fights... over nothing. Tears.. Endless tears. A boyfriend who glares, is constantly angry and tired of being yelled out. Thats not what I want.. but can you blame him? I really wish he would do some research and try to understand what I am going through and do all that he can to not trigger it. But doesn't look like thats going to happen. I've been begging over 4 months. Anyone have ideas on getting him to learn?! I feel like if he would put in the effort our relationship would take a huge turn for the better. He'd not only know what I was going through, and know that its not really my fault, but also know how to prevent it and how to get me out of it. Actually, he knows how to get me out of it. But when hes too mad to do it... things hit the fan. Help?

Now, I just have to hope for a drama free weekend. I am going home with him for Easter. To be with his dad that keeps getting weird calls during my episodes... and his brother.. who hates me. Literally.

Intro

Last spring, things took a dramatic downturn in my life... We wont get into details but it wasnt good... At all!!! After a huge struggle, and over 6 months of not having any idea what the hell was wrong with me, i was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD.

Long story short, BPD is a rare mental disorder where you have trouble regulating emotions, among other issues.

I just cant keep holding in all i want to say from facebook, etc so i figured i would start this and see if it would help. If people want to read it, they can. If not... Who cares. I get my toughts out there. And hopefully, someone else with the day to day struggles i have will see this and use me as a resource that i dont currently have, someone whos been there, done that, had the major issues, and is fighting their way through this mess one day at a time.

Off to class i go. More to come soon, hopefully.

<3